Today is Self Injury Awareness Day

Here are some links to information about self-injury:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/fox1013/525139.html

http://www.livejournal.com/users/foreverdirt/192298.html

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

As a former cutter, spreading information about this poorly-understood phenomenon seems crucial.

Prodding at vipers

The Imp of the Perverse is dancing all over me right now. I am having the most compelling urge to include my biological father in the wedding invitation list.

A bit of background: I haven't seen nor heard from him in almost 18 years, since he took off to avoid being forced to pay child support arrears upward of $20,000 at that point (besides full medical and educational costs), and likely for other reasons. He did not exactly treat me well for years before that--think untreated paranoid manic behavior--and we are not supposed to know where he is now.

However, we have had a good idea for most of this time, and I have an address which was current as of a couple of years ago; it pays to keep track of some people. This address may well still be good.

His receiving something from me (under my changed name, no less) out of the blue would be priceless. Too bad I couldn't witness the reaction, though being out of the country would be preferable for a number of reasons when poking at a venomous snake. It must be said that there is next to no chance that he would actually turn up, thank goodness, or I wouldn't even consider it.

I couldn't help mentioning this idea to my mother, who was also tickled at the idea. She did raise the possibilities that (a) he might actually think I like or have forgiven him, and that (b) he might try to hit me up for money--which would seem more likely, given past behavior.

I think it is probably a risk worth taking, though, considering that I have no intention of letting him know where I am actually living--it's not cowardly, to my mind, if it's reasonable self-protection--and that I am old and hardened enough to deal with anything he decides to put out. I may not actually do this, but the shock value is terribly difficult to resist. He is guaranteed to turn up like a bad penny at some point anyway, likely when something bad enough happens to my Nana, and I would rather take some control over resuming contact than be shocked myself.

Self-kindness, simply stated

I'm too hard on myself. If I were even one-twentieth as judgmental toward other people, I'd be hellish to be around.

The vast majority of the time, I do the best that I can, which really is good enough. The only person I seem to disappoint consistently is myself; what better evidence that I should be kinder to myself? Expecting more out of myself in any area than out of any of the people I know and love is unreasonable and harmful.

It's OK that I'm not able to work right now. It doesn't mean I'm some sort of lazy leech; I, of all people, would do so were I able. Beating myself up over being ill is unhelpful and cruel. Nobody else is nearly so harsh, but overwhelmingly understanding. Even consciously rejecting consumerism and materialism as life motivations, I seem to judge my worth far too much through "making something of myself". This, too, is harmful, and contradicts my preferred values.

In summary, I need to learn to be as caring, understanding, and supportive toward myself as toward other people.

All this may sound very simplistic and unnecessary to state, but maybe reinforcing it in writing here will help.

So bring us a big old sandwich, and bring it right here!

I feel like a ravening beastie, waiting for Sid to come back with food. Mom caught the Evil Airplane Flu from me, so he was the only one who felt like meeting Tim, Debbie, the kids, and Mamaw at Macado's at the last minute.

My favorite sandwiches from there are generally the Molly Brown (with cucumber) or the Gibson Girl, but I will be ecstatic to see my half of the Hindenburg he's apparently bringing. Mmm, subs.

I thought it was too bad the Star City Diner in Roanoke (also owned by Spanky Macher--quite a character) was closed down in 2001 for health violations; it must have really gone downhill from when I was stopping in there frequently. It was an enjoyable place for a leisurely lunch or supper with friends. I also really enjoyed Mr. Macher's ongoing battles with a sanctimonious pisspot or two over "tacky" signs--these included a Godzilla statue on the roof, IIRC, along with "Bad Boy", a large duded-up Big Boy figure--also on the roof. *g*

I can't help but get a charge out of Spanky. :)