(Hopefully rare) Whinings about the future
Dec. 9th, 2003 12:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urocyonI should offer apologies in advance. I do try to avoid whining, particularly in a semi-public forum such as this, as quickly as it can become tedious. It sounds like a cop-out to suggest that you may want to skip this post if you think it might get on your nerves, but that's the best I can think to say.
I've been feeling rather isolated lately, and feel like I need to air some things a bit. This may well be the equivalent of talking to hear my head roar, but they've been preying on my mind--particularly with the recent low mood; brooding on such thoughts is a fairly predictable sign that things are off. I don't feel like my concerns have been taken particulary seriously when I've tried to discuss them at home. I do recognise that they are mainly of concern to me, and that some of the worries are of a repetitive nature, but feeling dismissed is a persistent problem which I don't believe is all a matter of skewed perception. At this point, if I even bring up something that is bothering me, difficult as it can be, I necessarily think it is of some importance. Even if I think that another person's problem is trivial in the scheme of things, I try to bear in mind that he finds it less than tolerable and react accordingly--why do I wind up feeling selfish for expecting similar consideration from others?
When I'm verging on depression, and sick on top of it, is probably a poor time to start thinking about this again, but I've been worrying about what I'm going to do with my life. I have mentioned before how my plans were sidetracked a bit, though this was not entirely a bad thing; it's forced me to rethink old perfectionistic patterns to a great extent, and (to employ a terrible cliché) reconsider what is truly important to me and to living well.
This only goes so far, though; I still have that basic perfectionism to deal with--high standards for one's self can be commendable, but this goes well beyond the reasonable--and worry that I'm not doing as well as I should (at striving toward material "success", and otherwise), or as much as I ought to help myself. Sometimes I do feel like I'm stagnating, and doing very little to prevent or pull myself out of it. In low points, I have to fight feeling like a sorry, lazy person; looking at it more objectively, I am anything but. If anything, I will sometimes have a tendency to apply my energy and efforts in ways which leave me spinning my wheels--from observation, I suspect that this is a relatively common bipolar tendency, and quite difficult to see a solution to.
On a more practical level, I am concerned that I may not be able to get back into school or back to work in the near future, due to some continuing health and--paradoxically, in the case of work--financial concerns. Perhaps I am placing too much importance on these indications of "success" or "conquest" over my troubles, and am still expecting, at some level, to be able to slavedrive myself with greater success than in recent attempts. (I do get reassurance that I'm not a malingerer, at least, though I suspect it may be the case at times, driven as I can be.) As noted in the post I linked to earlier, I am afraid of not being able to handle returning to school--partially due to still-unpredictable health (unpredictable is apt; I'm generally healthy, but have some exascerbations), including anxiety problems--and it would be a financial strain.
Similar reasons make me wary of returning to work, particularly after several years' absence, along with lack of even a BA/BS and relative paucity of marketable (i.e. documented) job skills. The transition programs for returning to work when one has been on SSI have improved, but still are far from ideal. Affordable health insurance with reasonable prescription coverage is a huge consideration for me--I have to take several hundred U.S. dollars' worth of medication per month--and somewhat difficult to find in the sorts of jobs for which I'd be qualified. Earlier this year, I was ready to go out on a limb and try my hardest, after research, to get a job with benefits for which I was qualified, but was discouraged/stymied by the fact that all new health insurance policy enrollments took place annually, almost a year after the majority of new employees were hired, and well beyond the time gap (largely intended to take care of pre-existing condition exclusionary periods) covered by my privatised Medicaid insurer.
And a lousy one it is. Straight Virginia Medicaid or their own attempt at mangled care was infinitely better than Virginia Premier, which offers very few physician choices locally, among other things. Luckily a nice lady at the Roanoke office approved payments to Dr. Dubner, because they don't cover psychiatric or other mental health treatment--and everyone in this area was switched over to this plan, regardless of why they were receiving SSI/Medicaid to begin with.
Ah, the complications of getting tied up with the federal government, even when there's little or no choice as things stand.
Yet again, I find myself focussing on the extremely practical aspects of the situation--though all valid--in part to deflect from the emotional ones.
Setting aside (some) fears of exposing vulnerability, at times I worry that I may never be "normal" and "productive". This is probably an irrational fear, and my mother does reassure me, "So what if you don't? You're still a worthwhile person with a lot to offer." This has its merit, but frequently fails to reassure me. Though I am not a very materialistic person, I have to wonder what I do have to offer; this is particularly a concern when I am interested in or actively pursuing a romantic relationship. Her reassurances of kindness and warmth and generosity and intelligence and humor, which immediately pop into mind, can seem less than compelling or sufficient. Perhaps I don't feel like a complete equal if I may not be able to consistently contribute much financially. I suspect that my basic competitive nature may well play a part. This isn't limited to a financial context (in fact, I'm less competitive in that area than in many); I've realised that this is a great motivating force in most areas of my life, and could almost scarily see myself in an essay by a (now, rather old) friend (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thewronghands), which I ran across a few months ago.
Looking at things a little more rationally, I may well function better working for myself, perhaps by running my own business. My original goal of collecting several degrees (really just pieces of paper which look good on résumés) may still be worthwhile and feasible, but not absolutely necessary if I expand my perceived career possibilities. I do have the intelligence and perseverence to find something that suits me, and to carry it off reasonably well once I do. (The stumbling block here, as in many things, has been figuring out what to do.)
That slight competitive tangent aside *g*, I do hope that people in whom I'm interested or with whom I'm involved do not see me as lazy and/or unmotivated--no matter how I tend to see myself when I'm a tad low. It may not seem so at times, but this, as all things, is a temporary situation.
I've been feeling rather isolated lately, and feel like I need to air some things a bit. This may well be the equivalent of talking to hear my head roar, but they've been preying on my mind--particularly with the recent low mood; brooding on such thoughts is a fairly predictable sign that things are off. I don't feel like my concerns have been taken particulary seriously when I've tried to discuss them at home. I do recognise that they are mainly of concern to me, and that some of the worries are of a repetitive nature, but feeling dismissed is a persistent problem which I don't believe is all a matter of skewed perception. At this point, if I even bring up something that is bothering me, difficult as it can be, I necessarily think it is of some importance. Even if I think that another person's problem is trivial in the scheme of things, I try to bear in mind that he finds it less than tolerable and react accordingly--why do I wind up feeling selfish for expecting similar consideration from others?
When I'm verging on depression, and sick on top of it, is probably a poor time to start thinking about this again, but I've been worrying about what I'm going to do with my life. I have mentioned before how my plans were sidetracked a bit, though this was not entirely a bad thing; it's forced me to rethink old perfectionistic patterns to a great extent, and (to employ a terrible cliché) reconsider what is truly important to me and to living well.
This only goes so far, though; I still have that basic perfectionism to deal with--high standards for one's self can be commendable, but this goes well beyond the reasonable--and worry that I'm not doing as well as I should (at striving toward material "success", and otherwise), or as much as I ought to help myself. Sometimes I do feel like I'm stagnating, and doing very little to prevent or pull myself out of it. In low points, I have to fight feeling like a sorry, lazy person; looking at it more objectively, I am anything but. If anything, I will sometimes have a tendency to apply my energy and efforts in ways which leave me spinning my wheels--from observation, I suspect that this is a relatively common bipolar tendency, and quite difficult to see a solution to.
On a more practical level, I am concerned that I may not be able to get back into school or back to work in the near future, due to some continuing health and--paradoxically, in the case of work--financial concerns. Perhaps I am placing too much importance on these indications of "success" or "conquest" over my troubles, and am still expecting, at some level, to be able to slavedrive myself with greater success than in recent attempts. (I do get reassurance that I'm not a malingerer, at least, though I suspect it may be the case at times, driven as I can be.) As noted in the post I linked to earlier, I am afraid of not being able to handle returning to school--partially due to still-unpredictable health (unpredictable is apt; I'm generally healthy, but have some exascerbations), including anxiety problems--and it would be a financial strain.
Similar reasons make me wary of returning to work, particularly after several years' absence, along with lack of even a BA/BS and relative paucity of marketable (i.e. documented) job skills. The transition programs for returning to work when one has been on SSI have improved, but still are far from ideal. Affordable health insurance with reasonable prescription coverage is a huge consideration for me--I have to take several hundred U.S. dollars' worth of medication per month--and somewhat difficult to find in the sorts of jobs for which I'd be qualified. Earlier this year, I was ready to go out on a limb and try my hardest, after research, to get a job with benefits for which I was qualified, but was discouraged/stymied by the fact that all new health insurance policy enrollments took place annually, almost a year after the majority of new employees were hired, and well beyond the time gap (largely intended to take care of pre-existing condition exclusionary periods) covered by my privatised Medicaid insurer.
And a lousy one it is. Straight Virginia Medicaid or their own attempt at mangled care was infinitely better than Virginia Premier, which offers very few physician choices locally, among other things. Luckily a nice lady at the Roanoke office approved payments to Dr. Dubner, because they don't cover psychiatric or other mental health treatment--and everyone in this area was switched over to this plan, regardless of why they were receiving SSI/Medicaid to begin with.
Ah, the complications of getting tied up with the federal government, even when there's little or no choice as things stand.
Yet again, I find myself focussing on the extremely practical aspects of the situation--though all valid--in part to deflect from the emotional ones.
Setting aside (some) fears of exposing vulnerability, at times I worry that I may never be "normal" and "productive". This is probably an irrational fear, and my mother does reassure me, "So what if you don't? You're still a worthwhile person with a lot to offer." This has its merit, but frequently fails to reassure me. Though I am not a very materialistic person, I have to wonder what I do have to offer; this is particularly a concern when I am interested in or actively pursuing a romantic relationship. Her reassurances of kindness and warmth and generosity and intelligence and humor, which immediately pop into mind, can seem less than compelling or sufficient. Perhaps I don't feel like a complete equal if I may not be able to consistently contribute much financially. I suspect that my basic competitive nature may well play a part. This isn't limited to a financial context (in fact, I'm less competitive in that area than in many); I've realised that this is a great motivating force in most areas of my life, and could almost scarily see myself in an essay by a (now, rather old) friend (
thewronghands), which I ran across a few months ago.Looking at things a little more rationally, I may well function better working for myself, perhaps by running my own business. My original goal of collecting several degrees (really just pieces of paper which look good on résumés) may still be worthwhile and feasible, but not absolutely necessary if I expand my perceived career possibilities. I do have the intelligence and perseverence to find something that suits me, and to carry it off reasonably well once I do. (The stumbling block here, as in many things, has been figuring out what to do.)
That slight competitive tangent aside *g*, I do hope that people in whom I'm interested or with whom I'm involved do not see me as lazy and/or unmotivated--no matter how I tend to see myself when I'm a tad low. It may not seem so at times, but this, as all things, is a temporary situation.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 10:18 am (UTC)I hope you feel better soon. I know how it is. Last year I was depressed because I was out of school and unemployed (not my most favorite time of the year). I'm not sure what kind of advice to give you. I guess just try to keep your chin up, you never know.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 11:12 am (UTC)I do realise that I get into way too much self-blame at times and get really harsh on myself; it sounds like you may too. I ran across an article (http://www.invisibledisabilities.com/looks.htm) which made me think. It's focus is more on the way other people can react to people with nothing visibly "wrong" with them, but, basic as the piece is, it helped me recognise just how ridiculous and hurtful doing the exact same thing to myself--feeling like there's likely nothing wrong with me and like I'm malingering--is. Nobody wants to feel bad, and I do try hard, as well as I know how.
Take care!
no subject
Date: 2003-12-10 04:11 pm (UTC)I think it all depends on you, your partner, and your arrangement. I tend to be the provider-partner, but through a combination of weird medical needs and culinary ineptitude, I find it vastly more pleasant if I have a partner who will wake me up in the morning, make sure I'm not comatose or sick, and fix me dinner when I get home at night. I'm a rotten cook and I sleep through two alarm clocks, and almost anyone else with a 9 to 5 job is not going to want to be my nursemaid. Thank $deity for RavenBlack (for five years) and now for Cull -- I am so completely willing to pick up the bills if they'll take care of me. It's all a matter of what your talents and needs are, and what your partner's are, and finding a good match. I think that's why I have a pronounced tendency to date stay-at-home sorts.
Looking at things a little more rationally, I may well function better working for myself, perhaps by running my own business.
It's entirely possible. Give some thought as to what you'd like and what you're good at and what you're not, and sometimes a right answer will become more clear.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-11 01:12 pm (UTC)You're free to rant all you want, that's what the journal's for. I didn't read it thinking you were crying for sympathy. It's good to write down stuff. I may often write things when I'm in a bad mood and then later wish I hadn't. But, it's good to write when you need to, writing is a form a therapy and it may help you discover what's bothering you (maybe even help you find a cure). All in all, expression is good.
I read some of the article, I may read more later, but that certainly does put a different spin on things. I often see people that don't look disabled and think they just got that plate so they can be lazy and park in those spaces.
I do hope you feel better soon. I can totally relate, so you're not alone.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 02:07 am (UTC)I have found writing to be helpful, just generally keep the product to myself. This seems like yet another example of, if I wouldn't think poorly of someone else for doing something, why criticise myself for it?
no subject
Date: 2003-12-12 02:24 am (UTC)It seems best to delay any sort of comprehensive problem-solving attempts until I'm closer to my "normal" self, but I do suspect that my particular combination of nature and circumstance doesn't lend itself especially well to consistent 9 to 5 work with immediate superiors. (This was part of my motivation in considering going into veterinary medicine.) For some reason, I have been putting off developing some reasonable, perhaps interim, alternatives, but it needs to be given quite a bit of consideration.