Educational anxiety

[urocyon]

This evening, a friend asked me about my plans for getting back in school (but not in a way that got my back up, the way the ex will still occasionally do). I'd been thinking about it, anyway--I do frequently--and I have to admit that the idea is a little scary at this point.

A little background might help, for those who don't know me well. I was diagnosed with a pituitary prolactinoma more than ten years ago (this also wound up causing my cortisol level to get just high enough to be quite annoying). I didn't tolerate the only medication available at the time, so wound up having it removed (with the really not-so-rare CSF leak and a five-day ICU stay) after a couple of years, and it had grown amazingly. These things are never as simple as presented in the sort of literature I've linked to, nor as medical personnel tend to explain. The potential for lingering health problems is really downplayed, and the direct physical effects on mood and anxiety by really bad hormonal upsets (besides the more indirect ones) are frequently ignored by health professionals.

Basically, I didn't get the followup care I needed, and part of that was my fault because I just didn't want to deal with it anymore, and I managed to carry on for a number of years before I simply couldn't anymore. I was accustomed to being able to slavedrive myself anyway, and it just stopped working. I pretty much fell apart near the beginning of my third year at Virginia Tech, and had to take medical leave. (I was a slow learner, and tried to return the next fall against all advice, only to withdraw again within three weeks.) Of course, I had to stop working too, so I have been back living with the parents for a number of years now, and finally had to apply for SSI, as conflicted as I was about it. I'm a terrible perfectionist, and felt like I should be able to make myself do better, and that just seemed like admitting I was really in bad shape. (I've become easier about the decision now; it was the only sane thing financially, since my parents aren't exactly wealthy, and I really have been in no shape to do anything "productive".)

At any rate, my health has gradually improved so that it may well be time to consider going back to school (I'm feeling physically so much better than I was a couple of years ago, even, it's amazing). And I have become extremely frustrated, feeling like I'm stuck in a holding pattern. Still, I spent a few years there practically as a recluse, and am only really beginning to get back into things in the somewhat limited way I can not being in school or work. That failed attempt at returning to Tech also makes me nervous about it, even though I'm planning sanely enough to want to start out with only 9 credit-hours or so. (Which might cause some financial strain, since I'll be relying on Pell Grants again and they don't exactly hand out a lot for 3/4 time, but that can't be helped.) I realise that there's no good, logical reason to be so afraid of failure, but I am still nervous about trying this again.

Comments

[tinywarrior.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you've had a bit of a rough time (dig my flair for the obvious understatement!). I was thinking as I read this that I was going to suggest starting out slow, but then you came to that conclusion on your own. : ) You had a good reason for taking a break, so I wouldn't even think of your last experience with school as a "failure" at all.