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Jan. 16th, 2009 02:51 pmI haven't been around much lately, and my first impulse is to apologize for it. But, it finally dawned on me a couple of weeks ago that this is not an example of Not Trying Hard Enough, but of overload levels affecting my language skills (and other stuff). Trying to translate thoughts into words (part of my verbosity comes from this, throwing enough words at concepts so that maybe some of them will stick), then type them out, gets harder when there are a lot of other things sapping energy. So much for the persistent idea that I don't have significant communication issues. I can't help but be reminded of Bev's incisive I Am Joe's Functioning Label. Ouch.
It took having to try very hard to avoid going into the ever-popular John Fit (family subtype of the rather violent meltdown episode, which is apparently something to behold, especially with the distinctive unlearned "twirling in midair" movement pattern) for the first time in 10+ years, before I figured out what kind of persistent overload levels I'm dealing with right now. At least I know that it's avoidable now, and what's happening in the first place. (When I tried desperately to suppress them before I knew what was causing them, I just got some self-destructive substitutes going, which were treated as a separate problem.) I'm fighting feeling bad about not going out much, which cuts out a lot of troublesome stimuli, now that I am aware (a) what's going on, and (b) that it's very temporary. I'm spending a lot more time resembling Amanda's How to make a phone call, in 70 easy steps, and kicking myself over it less.
At least it finally occurred to me to ask for some help getting some of the factors under control. I have started taking paroxetine again (forgot all about it once I got back here), since some serotonin tinkering could only help right now; having depression creep up on me now that I can let myself relax more hasn't helped. I tend to forget, or at least not take fully into account, some ongoing pain and health issues--especially when other things are distracting me from dealing with them--when they're still there in the background, adding to overload. Getting my blood sugar managed again will no doubt help a lot (especially since I still keep forgetting to eat), and I did recognize that I was staying so overloaded that calling the doctor's and making it there on my own was just not likely to happen, until and unless some of the other things were taken care of. I saw that this was not yet another example of Not Trying Hard Enough (kind of trained to be a broken record, eh?), and asked Ingvar for help with the impasse. Yep, that's still hard to do sometimes, though I have had even more evidence that pushing yourself until you cannot do so anymore is just not reasonable, from watching my Mom.
No, I'm not complaining nor feeling particularly sorry for myself, just explaining what's been going on. It's amazing what some knowledge, coping skills, and perspective can do for one's perceptions of a situation.
I'm mostly trying not to beat myself up or push myself too hard to do things that will be more overloading, just because I still tell myself that I "should". Applying compassion to one's own life isn't necessary easy, with sufficient training to the contrary, but I think I'm learning. This also makes it easier/vaguely possible to see other options, and have more energy left to pursue them. For example, I have had to admit that getting the pet care business up and running is best delayed until I can actually talk on the phone and go out on a predictable basis (duh). Instead of badgering myself about it, I've started making jewelry again in the meantime. I have also started learning Cherokee, since I feel capable of doing that right now.# Keeping things picked up out of the floor and learning a language require very different abilities. I can at least see that kicking myself over not being so good with applying the cleaning skillset ATM is not going to help me get anything accomplished, rather the reverse. I've still got skills I can put to good use.
Speaking of not beating myself up, I have found a good antidote to getting down on my physique: the Warriors of AniKituhwa dance group. I'd been impressed by still shots of some of them in some museum stuff Sid's sister thought we might be interested in, and brough back from a trip there this past fall--and by "impressed", I partially mean "falling over laughing in recognition". They've also done some rather funny tourism ads for Cherokee, NC. One of the more impressive things was recognizing that these guys are actually more striking because of the way they're built. Maybe what I really need is some red ochre and bloodroot. I'd been trying to keep Alexander McCall Smith's "traditionally built lady" point in mind (with all the associated humor), but these guys kinda smacked me in the face with it. :)
____________
# This is largely because it's very accessible as these things go, to the point that the Nation in OK is offering free online courses. It seems slightly more relevant since, by traditional reckoning, my lineage turns out to be dual Tutelo/Cherokee (lineage adopted around the time of Removal), which explained a lot of minor differences which have passed down. (Along with the fact that the common portrait of Sequoyah looks disconcertingly like my Papaw in a turban.) No, that does not make me feel somehow deeply Cherokee, but increases interest levels. Less relevant, but I just found out last night that my paternal-line Tacketts (NC-->KY) had probably been harder to pin down because they started out Tahquettes. *smacks forehead*
It took having to try very hard to avoid going into the ever-popular John Fit (family subtype of the rather violent meltdown episode, which is apparently something to behold, especially with the distinctive unlearned "twirling in midair" movement pattern) for the first time in 10+ years, before I figured out what kind of persistent overload levels I'm dealing with right now. At least I know that it's avoidable now, and what's happening in the first place. (When I tried desperately to suppress them before I knew what was causing them, I just got some self-destructive substitutes going, which were treated as a separate problem.) I'm fighting feeling bad about not going out much, which cuts out a lot of troublesome stimuli, now that I am aware (a) what's going on, and (b) that it's very temporary. I'm spending a lot more time resembling Amanda's How to make a phone call, in 70 easy steps, and kicking myself over it less.
At least it finally occurred to me to ask for some help getting some of the factors under control. I have started taking paroxetine again (forgot all about it once I got back here), since some serotonin tinkering could only help right now; having depression creep up on me now that I can let myself relax more hasn't helped. I tend to forget, or at least not take fully into account, some ongoing pain and health issues--especially when other things are distracting me from dealing with them--when they're still there in the background, adding to overload. Getting my blood sugar managed again will no doubt help a lot (especially since I still keep forgetting to eat), and I did recognize that I was staying so overloaded that calling the doctor's and making it there on my own was just not likely to happen, until and unless some of the other things were taken care of. I saw that this was not yet another example of Not Trying Hard Enough (kind of trained to be a broken record, eh?), and asked Ingvar for help with the impasse. Yep, that's still hard to do sometimes, though I have had even more evidence that pushing yourself until you cannot do so anymore is just not reasonable, from watching my Mom.
No, I'm not complaining nor feeling particularly sorry for myself, just explaining what's been going on. It's amazing what some knowledge, coping skills, and perspective can do for one's perceptions of a situation.
I'm mostly trying not to beat myself up or push myself too hard to do things that will be more overloading, just because I still tell myself that I "should". Applying compassion to one's own life isn't necessary easy, with sufficient training to the contrary, but I think I'm learning. This also makes it easier/vaguely possible to see other options, and have more energy left to pursue them. For example, I have had to admit that getting the pet care business up and running is best delayed until I can actually talk on the phone and go out on a predictable basis (duh). Instead of badgering myself about it, I've started making jewelry again in the meantime. I have also started learning Cherokee, since I feel capable of doing that right now.# Keeping things picked up out of the floor and learning a language require very different abilities. I can at least see that kicking myself over not being so good with applying the cleaning skillset ATM is not going to help me get anything accomplished, rather the reverse. I've still got skills I can put to good use.
Speaking of not beating myself up, I have found a good antidote to getting down on my physique: the Warriors of AniKituhwa dance group. I'd been impressed by still shots of some of them in some museum stuff Sid's sister thought we might be interested in, and brough back from a trip there this past fall--and by "impressed", I partially mean "falling over laughing in recognition". They've also done some rather funny tourism ads for Cherokee, NC. One of the more impressive things was recognizing that these guys are actually more striking because of the way they're built. Maybe what I really need is some red ochre and bloodroot. I'd been trying to keep Alexander McCall Smith's "traditionally built lady" point in mind (with all the associated humor), but these guys kinda smacked me in the face with it. :)
____________
# This is largely because it's very accessible as these things go, to the point that the Nation in OK is offering free online courses. It seems slightly more relevant since, by traditional reckoning, my lineage turns out to be dual Tutelo/Cherokee (lineage adopted around the time of Removal), which explained a lot of minor differences which have passed down. (Along with the fact that the common portrait of Sequoyah looks disconcertingly like my Papaw in a turban.) No, that does not make me feel somehow deeply Cherokee, but increases interest levels. Less relevant, but I just found out last night that my paternal-line Tacketts (NC-->KY) had probably been harder to pin down because they started out Tahquettes. *smacks forehead*
