A breeze of optimism
May. 15th, 2003 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urocyonI was really pleased earlier--still am, actually. My mother and I had another talk about the trip (we've had a couple of not-so-stressful ones recently), and her attitude has completely changed. I went even further into why I want to go so badly, and she was quite sympathetic and supportive. She helped ease my nagging low-level fears that I've been selfish in being so bent on travelling when I'm so short on cash and have so many other things to put in order. She also emphasized what I've been trying to impress upon myself: that I've spent far too much time and energy in denying and neglecting myself--both emotionally and materially--to an unhealthy degree, and that I deserve just to let go and enjoy myself sometimes, even if it may not seem entirely prudent.
I don't think this mode of operation and circular thought fits well with the rest of my personality. This would be an excellent point for the nature vs. nurture debate, because the worrying complex frequently seems like an incongruous product of the Genetic Lottery; there are relatively few worriers in the family from whom I might have learned this pattern. I have no idea how I wound up with it, but it's annoying to an otherwise generally spontaneous and (dare I say) optimistic person. Not to mention one good at problem-solving unless she gets all in a flidge and other possiblities seem to disappear almost instantly. This subject is not as tangential as I began to suspect it was, really.
At any rate, Mom helped me try to figure out ways of getting together money, and will, no doubt, continue to think about it. Unfortunately, my parents have temporarily fallen on lean times, so can't contribute much, or they would do so.
With one thing and another, we're some of the nouveaux pauvres anyway, but things have been particularly rough lately since my mother hasn't been able to work, due to a combination of health problems. (She is hoping to receive a moderate sum before August, though; I thought it was sweet that she intends to help me with some of it if it arrives in time.) I've been feeling particularly bad (weak, disappointed, disgusted) because I haven't yet been able to give up smoking entirely, and save more money that way, but she helped me feel better about that. She also reassured me that my grandmother and/or aunt would be happy to lend me a little, if need be. I had felt, and still feel, a little uneasy about this prospect--partially because of culture, and partially because of my own sense of dignity. Owing people, even family members, money is Not Good. I do recognise it as a less-odious option now, though.
In summary, I feel much better about the situation, both from a financial standpoint, and from a the view of maternal approval/support. I may be a deeply independent person in most ways, but "You'll still be my baby when you're 70, and I'll still be concerned about you" goes both ways. :)
Oh yes, I am trying to do something else for myself: sell a half-decent acoustic guitar I don't use much (and had to admit to myself that I'd likely never get much good from) at a fair price.
I don't think this mode of operation and circular thought fits well with the rest of my personality. This would be an excellent point for the nature vs. nurture debate, because the worrying complex frequently seems like an incongruous product of the Genetic Lottery; there are relatively few worriers in the family from whom I might have learned this pattern. I have no idea how I wound up with it, but it's annoying to an otherwise generally spontaneous and (dare I say) optimistic person. Not to mention one good at problem-solving unless she gets all in a flidge and other possiblities seem to disappear almost instantly. This subject is not as tangential as I began to suspect it was, really.
At any rate, Mom helped me try to figure out ways of getting together money, and will, no doubt, continue to think about it. Unfortunately, my parents have temporarily fallen on lean times, so can't contribute much, or they would do so.
With one thing and another, we're some of the nouveaux pauvres anyway, but things have been particularly rough lately since my mother hasn't been able to work, due to a combination of health problems. (She is hoping to receive a moderate sum before August, though; I thought it was sweet that she intends to help me with some of it if it arrives in time.) I've been feeling particularly bad (weak, disappointed, disgusted) because I haven't yet been able to give up smoking entirely, and save more money that way, but she helped me feel better about that. She also reassured me that my grandmother and/or aunt would be happy to lend me a little, if need be. I had felt, and still feel, a little uneasy about this prospect--partially because of culture, and partially because of my own sense of dignity. Owing people, even family members, money is Not Good. I do recognise it as a less-odious option now, though.
In summary, I feel much better about the situation, both from a financial standpoint, and from a the view of maternal approval/support. I may be a deeply independent person in most ways, but "You'll still be my baby when you're 70, and I'll still be concerned about you" goes both ways. :)
Oh yes, I am trying to do something else for myself: sell a half-decent acoustic guitar I don't use much (and had to admit to myself that I'd likely never get much good from) at a fair price.
