New direction?
May. 19th, 2009 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urocyonTentatively, the benfotiamine seems to be helping. The hand neuropathy is better than it's been in months, and the feet also seem to be improving. This is reassuring!
With any luck, I'll be able to get to sleep more easily tonight; my mind hasn't been wanting to shut down. A lot of the difficulties I've been having lately may well have been coming from another bout of tail chasing. This afternoon, several things finally got through to me, including the fact that I've been working really hard to avoid heading in a direction which has been repeatedly indicated as a highly appropriate one: doing hospice work, probably eventually in counseling.
This looked like a clear choice months ago, but I managed to talk myself out of it, using a lot of the same arguments I'd anticipate from other people: maybe I'm not thinking clearly thanks to grief, maybe it's not a good idea to pursue this so soon after needing to be on the receiving end of these services, maybe I would have a hard time maintaining enough perspective and distance to keep doing a potentially depressing job, etc. Those were the justifications, but a lot of the reluctance boils down to self-doubt and getting anxious about change. (No wonder I've been having trouble with feeling directionless!) Seeing what's really been holding me back might make it easier to get around.
The prospect still seems more than a little daunting. Especially since it requires going back to school--which I've put off doing anyway, largely due to some past formal educational experiences. Again, at least I know what was going on now, so it needn't be such a train wreck as my last attempt at finishing my BS. But, I really do think I'm well suited to this kind of work, and there is plenty of need for it.
Before my mom was sick, I hadn't really needed to think about how important all kinds of hospice work is. Mom expressed some regret over not having considered it, either, before she was in bad shape. Hospice workers have taken over a very necessary cluster of jobs which not many other people are doing these days.
When I called Good Sam, my immediate concern was getting my mom sorely needed pain relief and help with physical care. Very quickly, I was impressed at the level of emotional and (very respectful) spiritual support they were able to provide, which was at least equally important. Just having a kind, nonjudgmental third party to talk to improved Mom's quality of life immensely, and helped her deal with fears. I'd imagine that most people would be glad to talk about unresolved things with someone supportive, outside the family. The hospice social worker also helped the rest of us quite a bit, in multiple ways. She made quite an impression on me, and I still need to thank her more formally for all the help!
While I know that my executive function is just not up to juggling so many things as a social worker, I'm fairly sure that I could do some good through counseling. (For that matter, that Good Sam social worker suggested I consider being a counselor.) Even if I don't end up working with a hospice, it looks like a good career option. I've felt a push--nay, multiple shoves--toward healing and counseling/combing snakes out of people's hair, more generally. I've also been pushed toward anam chara-type duties (no idea how to express it in Cherokee!) on multiple occasions. Not many people seem to be following that calling these days, and I reflexively tried pretty hard to get away from it. (Multiple dying/thinking-so relatives--some of whom I didn't know well--clutching at me like a life preserver when I was a kid probably had something to do with this. It was very disturbing before I picked up more context.) This kind of work would also put the recently-in-my-face Owl stuff to good use.
Yeah, I'm going pretty vague on the spiritual aspects here, for general consumption. Anybody who's interested, other than in mocking perceived goofiness, feel free to ask for more explanation of any of this. :)
This path also addresses one of my abiding concerns the past few years: feeling disconnected. I really have been pretty isolated, socially, and this would provide a good opportunity to actually use some skills to help other people. Again, I'll pretty well gloss over some aspects here, but this is another area where I've been needing a kick in the rump to get me just accepting the situation at hand and getting involved locally. I'm also needing to give some thinly-veiled anger a closer examination, along with anxiety based on rather a lot past experience with hideous group dynamics which has left me wary of trying to work with groups of people. (Bit of a conflict if you don't care to be a hermit!) I don't think I've found myself living here for an extended period of time for no reason--my mom and I actually discussed this more than once, involving a couple of her dreams which may have more obvious application now. At any rate, I have been unsure about how to make a positive contribution here, but may well have some usefully different views and approaches to offer.
For now, I am looking into both educational programs and hospice volunteering opportunities. I am going to have to get my physical health back into balance before I start into pretty much anything else, but this is giving me more sense of purpose to make it tolerable. With any luck, getting some other things in some semblance of balance will also help with this. Ignore hard kicks in the rump at your own peril. *wry grin*
With any luck, I'll be able to get to sleep more easily tonight; my mind hasn't been wanting to shut down. A lot of the difficulties I've been having lately may well have been coming from another bout of tail chasing. This afternoon, several things finally got through to me, including the fact that I've been working really hard to avoid heading in a direction which has been repeatedly indicated as a highly appropriate one: doing hospice work, probably eventually in counseling.
This looked like a clear choice months ago, but I managed to talk myself out of it, using a lot of the same arguments I'd anticipate from other people: maybe I'm not thinking clearly thanks to grief, maybe it's not a good idea to pursue this so soon after needing to be on the receiving end of these services, maybe I would have a hard time maintaining enough perspective and distance to keep doing a potentially depressing job, etc. Those were the justifications, but a lot of the reluctance boils down to self-doubt and getting anxious about change. (No wonder I've been having trouble with feeling directionless!) Seeing what's really been holding me back might make it easier to get around.
The prospect still seems more than a little daunting. Especially since it requires going back to school--which I've put off doing anyway, largely due to some past formal educational experiences. Again, at least I know what was going on now, so it needn't be such a train wreck as my last attempt at finishing my BS. But, I really do think I'm well suited to this kind of work, and there is plenty of need for it.
Before my mom was sick, I hadn't really needed to think about how important all kinds of hospice work is. Mom expressed some regret over not having considered it, either, before she was in bad shape. Hospice workers have taken over a very necessary cluster of jobs which not many other people are doing these days.
When I called Good Sam, my immediate concern was getting my mom sorely needed pain relief and help with physical care. Very quickly, I was impressed at the level of emotional and (very respectful) spiritual support they were able to provide, which was at least equally important. Just having a kind, nonjudgmental third party to talk to improved Mom's quality of life immensely, and helped her deal with fears. I'd imagine that most people would be glad to talk about unresolved things with someone supportive, outside the family. The hospice social worker also helped the rest of us quite a bit, in multiple ways. She made quite an impression on me, and I still need to thank her more formally for all the help!
While I know that my executive function is just not up to juggling so many things as a social worker, I'm fairly sure that I could do some good through counseling. (For that matter, that Good Sam social worker suggested I consider being a counselor.) Even if I don't end up working with a hospice, it looks like a good career option. I've felt a push--nay, multiple shoves--toward healing and counseling/combing snakes out of people's hair, more generally. I've also been pushed toward anam chara-type duties (no idea how to express it in Cherokee!) on multiple occasions. Not many people seem to be following that calling these days, and I reflexively tried pretty hard to get away from it. (Multiple dying/thinking-so relatives--some of whom I didn't know well--clutching at me like a life preserver when I was a kid probably had something to do with this. It was very disturbing before I picked up more context.) This kind of work would also put the recently-in-my-face Owl stuff to good use.
Yeah, I'm going pretty vague on the spiritual aspects here, for general consumption. Anybody who's interested, other than in mocking perceived goofiness, feel free to ask for more explanation of any of this. :)
This path also addresses one of my abiding concerns the past few years: feeling disconnected. I really have been pretty isolated, socially, and this would provide a good opportunity to actually use some skills to help other people. Again, I'll pretty well gloss over some aspects here, but this is another area where I've been needing a kick in the rump to get me just accepting the situation at hand and getting involved locally. I'm also needing to give some thinly-veiled anger a closer examination, along with anxiety based on rather a lot past experience with hideous group dynamics which has left me wary of trying to work with groups of people. (Bit of a conflict if you don't care to be a hermit!) I don't think I've found myself living here for an extended period of time for no reason--my mom and I actually discussed this more than once, involving a couple of her dreams which may have more obvious application now. At any rate, I have been unsure about how to make a positive contribution here, but may well have some usefully different views and approaches to offer.
For now, I am looking into both educational programs and hospice volunteering opportunities. I am going to have to get my physical health back into balance before I start into pretty much anything else, but this is giving me more sense of purpose to make it tolerable. With any luck, getting some other things in some semblance of balance will also help with this. Ignore hard kicks in the rump at your own peril. *wry grin*
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no subject
Date: 2009-05-19 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-15 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-27 02:19 pm (UTC)Thanks. I may well have some questions for you later. :) The educational bit looks pretty straightforward here, if a little intimidating. I'd need to start completely from scratch toward an MS--3 years' worth of credit toward a BS from a completely different system will not transfer well, if at all. (A BSc here is 3 years--tighter focus on the subject area--then tack on a year or two more for a MSc in social sciences, so it's not nearly as bad as it could be!) But, if I weren't as concerned about looking hireable, I could apparently go straight into a 3-4 year program leading toward professional certification. So, ATM, I'm trying to get things straightened out enough to work on a degree, and there are some good distance learning options which take off some of the pressure. Yeah, I've been thinking about it. :)
Hope to hear from you soon! I really haven't meant to be rude, getting completely out of touch.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-27 02:35 pm (UTC)