urocyon

You know you're fast approaching the end of your rope when you have an epiphany concerning Mom's more peculiar concoctions involving canned soup--and that can of peas lurkng in the back of the cupboard begins to look appealing. There is no real reason for concern until you consider opening the dodgier canned fruit which just materialized there when you weren't paying attention, out of starvation for vegetable matter; then, you really do need to flee the house. And buy food, while you're at it.

Home repair tips recently gleaned from (one) local branch of that ever-popular firm Bodgit & Leggit:

1) Whatever the task, use a wide assortment of hardware: tenpenny roofing nails, little headless ones, even things that look (and rust) like undernourished railroad spikes. This adds important variety.

2) Don't know how to lay carpet? Just buy lots of the contrivances commonly known as "foot-piercing spiky strips", though these are best employed under the edges of a carpet with pile shorter than the little tack shafts. If you have access to the police Stinger strips, those will work just as well.

3) Laid the floorboards too tightly, so they've started buckling? No worries, just cut out slivers with a circular saw, which will even go through those pesky floor joists.

4) Have water damage from a leaky sink? Particle board is the perfect replacement, with its famed durability around moisture.

5) Run out of underlay for your linoleum? Never fear, just adhere it to the bare floorboards and nobody will ever know the difference. This works particularly well in tight spots, such as under bathroom fixtures.

6) The perfect underlay for carpeting looks and smells like moldy matted dog hair--don't listen to any suggestions that water-resistant foam may serve better.

7) Didn't consider a doorway when cutting the carpet? Just cut another strip, and secure the patch very well with spiky strips to deter anyone lingering and inspecting your handiwork.

8) Is the drain trap for the bidet too long to fit under the pedestal? Just cut a hole, through the new linoleum and the floorboards, to accommodate it.

9) Now that you've done such a fine job on the flooring, it's obvious that nobody will ever want to take it up again. Nail the underlay down with five tiny near-headless nails per square inch, and be sure to place all the bathroom fixtures on top of your nice new linoleum. Extra spiky strips in each doorway is a must, no matter the overlying floor surface.

10) Is the caulking around your shower coming loose? Not to worry, all the rot will lie invisibly under the floor.

11) Want to put a new bathroom into the house? The perfect solution is a flimsy wall bisecting the existing floorboards, with huge nails holding the framing in place at the bottom.

I could go on, but am starting to feel an(other) urge to cry. The past few days have also reinforced some rules for home repair projects I already knew:

1) If you start out buying twice as many supplies as you think you're likely to need, you will need to make at least one trip back to the store. This is particularly fun when relying on cabs, and on minicab dispatchers playing "No habla me-tric" (though they'd suddenly claim not to know what a foot is, if given length in imperial units.)

2) As little sense as it makes, a large home "improvement" store branch may well have only one person doing deliveries--who is likely to be very ill at any given time.

3) You really don't know what is under the floor until you lift it and look. Thanks to my visiting aunt for pointing this one out over Christmas. :/

4) Tying in with 1 and 3 above, allow thrice the initial time estimate for any project, then add on two days for each doorway involved in the project and an extra day for each plumbing fixture.

5) The first project you tackle (in this case, new blinds and curtains/curtain rod for the bedroom) will lull you into complacency.

6) Even a generally easygoing mate will become cranky if you keep darting in with a camera while (s)he's halfway under the floor, trying for the fifth time to fix a shower trap one-handed.

7) Squatting and kneeling are frequently required when doing DIY work, and are also piss-poor ideas when you have an already simmering case of Running Housemaid's knee, with a side dish of pes anserine bursitis--a.k.a. "yep, you've got Papaw's knees too".

Here are a couple more photos I didn't have a chance to work in: precarious footing not even the handy Utilikilt will help; about halfway through, with the fixtures returning. Ingvar has some of his own here; I think I already snarfed one of them.

It did hit me today that there are some bleedingly obvious drawbacks to doing small-scale property development, which I'd actually considered doing before--especially for someone with icky allergies. Yes, it did take the better part of a week on this floor project--and prompting by an annoying television show in the background--for this to occur. OTOH, we do now have shiny new bathroom floor (with a distinct lack of spongy floorboards and a working shower again as of this evening, yeah!), more experience, and a hallway floor still to cover in laminate. The hallway was originally intended as a relatively straightforward practice run.

vatine suggested tackling one room a month, to be kinder to the budget--and the resident workers--before we even really got started into the first leg. Next month's project is looking to be the bedroom floor, replacing the dust mite ranch (a.k.a. "carpet") with--you guessed it!--more laminate flooring. To make this one more interesting, we're going to have to shift an aquarium. At least I haven't seen/felt any evidence that the Mad Sawyer went to work in there, too. I should probably go take some more Codis for the knee and stop thinking about it now.