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Jul. 19th, 2003 03:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urocyonSomething that's been bothering me recently came up in conversation with my mother earlier. It periodically flares up, but I'm feeling it particularly strongly lately.
Though I can only put my finger on one of the reasons behind it--my biofather's discouragement of preactically any endeavor after he passed into definite madness--I have not felt capable of pursuing almost anything artistic in nature since shortly after I started school. I have had a problem with feeling talentless, and not feeling comfortable even attempting things because I was sure this would become immediately obvious to everyone. I do recognise that this is seriously skewed thinking.
Here are just a few examples of how this has affected my behavior. When, in seventh grade, one had to take a semester of either art or choir in order to continue with a foreign language the other half of the year, I chose choir in hopes that my utter lack of ability would not stand out as badly. I feel, now, like I am a reasonably musical person, and have been told that I have perfect pitch, but I avoided trying to take up any instruments until I was into my twenties. Much less singing, which I have been given to understand I am actually good at, with quite a range. I have almost completely avoided the visual arts, even though one stagecraft instructor with fine arts education was impressed enough by my small-scale scenepainting practice work that she strongly encouraged me to pursue painting. (And, my, was she difficult to impress.) I avoided the performing end of theatre arts, and finally stopped studying even technical theatre, because of this overarching theme. The only thing in which I haven't been so crippled is writing, possibly due to the consistently good feedback my work has received, and I am still extremely touchy.
When I did get up the courage to try a musical instrument, I chose a
Though I can only put my finger on one of the reasons behind it--my biofather's discouragement of preactically any endeavor after he passed into definite madness--I have not felt capable of pursuing almost anything artistic in nature since shortly after I started school. I have had a problem with feeling talentless, and not feeling comfortable even attempting things because I was sure this would become immediately obvious to everyone. I do recognise that this is seriously skewed thinking.
Here are just a few examples of how this has affected my behavior. When, in seventh grade, one had to take a semester of either art or choir in order to continue with a foreign language the other half of the year, I chose choir in hopes that my utter lack of ability would not stand out as badly. I feel, now, like I am a reasonably musical person, and have been told that I have perfect pitch, but I avoided trying to take up any instruments until I was into my twenties. Much less singing, which I have been given to understand I am actually good at, with quite a range. I have almost completely avoided the visual arts, even though one stagecraft instructor with fine arts education was impressed enough by my small-scale scenepainting practice work that she strongly encouraged me to pursue painting. (And, my, was she difficult to impress.) I avoided the performing end of theatre arts, and finally stopped studying even technical theatre, because of this overarching theme. The only thing in which I haven't been so crippled is writing, possibly due to the consistently good feedback my work has received, and I am still extremely touchy.
When I did get up the courage to try a musical instrument, I chose a
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Something that's been bothering me recently came up in conversation with my mother earlier. It periodically flares up, but I'm feeling it particularly strongly lately.
Though I can only put my finger on one of the reasons behind it--my biofather's discouragement of preactically any endeavor after he passed into definite madness--I have not felt capable of pursuing almost anything artistic in nature since shortly after I started school. I have had a problem with feeling talentless, and not feeling comfortable even attempting things because I was sure this would become immediately obvious to everyone. I do recognise that this is seriously skewed thinking.
Here are just a few examples of how this has affected my behavior. When, in seventh grade, one had to take a semester of either art or choir in order to continue with a foreign language the other half of the year, I chose choir in hopes that my utter lack of ability would not stand out as badly. I feel, now, like I am a reasonably musical person, and have been told that I have perfect pitch, but I avoided trying to take up any instruments until I was into my twenties. Much less singing, which I have been given to understand I am actually <i>good</i> at, with quite a range. I have almost completely avoided the visual arts, even though one stagecraft instructor with fine arts education was impressed enough by my small-scale scenepainting practice work that she strongly encouraged me to pursue painting. (And, my, was she difficult to impress.) I avoided the performing end of theatre arts, and finally stopped studying even technical theatre, because of this overarching theme. The only thing in which I haven't been so crippled is writing, possibly due to the consistently good feedback my work has received, and I am still extremely touchy.
When I did get up the courage to try a musical instrument, I chose a <a href"http://www.chiffandfipple.com/>tinwhistle</a>. They're non-threatening, without a steep learning curve, eminently portable, and cheap--besides my finding them appealing. I hid in a room with the door closed and practiced for a while, and actually improved pretty rapidly. All the while, though, I was nervous about making mistakes, and especially about other people's hearing them--while being fully cognisant of the fact that it happens, and this is how one learns. After a while, my anxiety got the best of me, which I still find a bit embarrassing/disappointing, and I stopped playing. Much the same thing happened when I decided to learn to play guitar, though that lasted a bit longer and I actually did a short YMCA Open University course with a friend, and got together with her to practice for a while. (I thought both of those might help me keep with it better that just going it on my own.) And for some reason, all this is slightly embarrassing to admit.
There is no good reason for me to feel talentless in all things artistic, particularly coming from a generally artistic/musical family and having shown some promise before my mind went all screwy on the matter. This is just silly, and the usual cognitive-therapy sort of approach of countering the irrational thoughts doesn't seem to do enough. I would like to tackle this, and am trying to figure out how. I'd like to explore the things I haven't allowed myself to, thus far. I feel a need to sing, in particular, and want to be able to let it out.
Though I can only put my finger on one of the reasons behind it--my biofather's discouragement of preactically any endeavor after he passed into definite madness--I have not felt capable of pursuing almost anything artistic in nature since shortly after I started school. I have had a problem with feeling talentless, and not feeling comfortable even attempting things because I was sure this would become immediately obvious to everyone. I do recognise that this is seriously skewed thinking.
Here are just a few examples of how this has affected my behavior. When, in seventh grade, one had to take a semester of either art or choir in order to continue with a foreign language the other half of the year, I chose choir in hopes that my utter lack of ability would not stand out as badly. I feel, now, like I am a reasonably musical person, and have been told that I have perfect pitch, but I avoided trying to take up any instruments until I was into my twenties. Much less singing, which I have been given to understand I am actually <i>good</i> at, with quite a range. I have almost completely avoided the visual arts, even though one stagecraft instructor with fine arts education was impressed enough by my small-scale scenepainting practice work that she strongly encouraged me to pursue painting. (And, my, was she difficult to impress.) I avoided the performing end of theatre arts, and finally stopped studying even technical theatre, because of this overarching theme. The only thing in which I haven't been so crippled is writing, possibly due to the consistently good feedback my work has received, and I am still extremely touchy.
When I did get up the courage to try a musical instrument, I chose a <a href"http://www.chiffandfipple.com/>tinwhistle</a>. They're non-threatening, without a steep learning curve, eminently portable, and cheap--besides my finding them appealing. I hid in a room with the door closed and practiced for a while, and actually improved pretty rapidly. All the while, though, I was nervous about making mistakes, and especially about other people's hearing them--while being fully cognisant of the fact that it happens, and this is how one learns. After a while, my anxiety got the best of me, which I still find a bit embarrassing/disappointing, and I stopped playing. Much the same thing happened when I decided to learn to play guitar, though that lasted a bit longer and I actually did a short YMCA Open University course with a friend, and got together with her to practice for a while. (I thought both of those might help me keep with it better that just going it on my own.) And for some reason, all this is slightly embarrassing to admit.
There is no good reason for me to feel talentless in all things artistic, particularly coming from a generally artistic/musical family and having shown some promise before my mind went all screwy on the matter. This is just silly, and the usual cognitive-therapy sort of approach of countering the irrational thoughts doesn't seem to do enough. I would like to tackle this, and am trying to figure out how. I'd like to explore the things I haven't allowed myself to, thus far. I feel a need to sing, in particular, and want to be able to let it out.
