more randomness
May. 28th, 2003 07:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
urocyonAfter dinner (a good red beans and rice), my mother and I discussed my idea of starting a job at Virginia Tech this fall, and she actually thought it was an excellent one. She thinks I'm doing well enough now, and that it might be good for me, besides agreeing with my practical accessments in choosing it as a possibility. It tends to help when other people don't think you're making foolish decisions. And yes, she understands why the idea is still a little intimidating, which I appreciated, and reassured me that there should be plenty of backup, just in case. Now I need to find out what is the best time, and how to go about applying most effectively. My friend who's been in Parking Services for several years now should be a good person to ask about that.
That bit of pleasantness didn't last long. Right on the heels of that topic, and apparently prompted by it (and perhaps by my having shown her the CCDE ticket I received in the mail earlier), she asked, "So, what do you think of [guy-who's-currently-too-far-away]?". I think I have mentioned him once, but the woman has become scarily good at reading me with 28 years' experience. Even still being a bit shaky from the job discussion doesn't quite excuse my blinking and replying, "What do you mean?"; I cannot believe I ever thought I'd get off that easily.
Since I've been feeling better, and particularly recently, my mother has seemed particularly aware of the fact that I'm on the far side of 25. While this is good, in that she understands the urge to be on my own a bit, she does seem to assume that everyone's urges also include settling down. She may not push, but the way she has been what seems overly aware and mentioning this sort of thing has been making me uncomfortable. I know she wants me to be happy and have as full a life as possible, but how about we approach it one bit at a time? The "get out on your own and find someone who's good for you" lump is a bit difficult to swallow these days, and I suspect I got a little defensive and strident last night. All this is background information, really, but ties in with what I was talking about.
At any rate, I was afraid I knew where she was going with that question, especially right on the heels of the last subject (yes, should things go more right that I'd expect, the job might complicate things), but I relented (not much choice anyway). It did turn into a more pleasant conversation than I expected, without too much steering. She did hit a little hard with the assumptions of really wanting to settle down again, and that's when I'm afraid I got a bit ratty. Ah well.
I did bring up a little later something that's been bothering me. (I can be funny about raising things like this, if they just seem too important/overwhelming and have something to do with the social anxiety--no idea why.) I've been noticing more trouble with shyness than usual, even, in dealing with him; I think this is mainly because I am quite interested and concerned about making a decent impression. The rather obvious problem is that I'm increasingly afraid that I'm working on shooting myself in the foot with this, leaving a lot of things unsaid and perhaps even coming across as overly cold.
One aggravating factor here is the apparent nature of the relationship; I'm still not too comfortable dealing with that. It seems sad to admit, but with my social anxiety, either a plain friendship or a more staightforward sexualised relationship can actually be more comfortable; with either, the expectations are reasonably clear, but when they're combined, it seems like a great deal of that goes out the window. It's difficult to know how to act/react. (I do wonder how much trouble the intersection of the two causes, for just about that reason.) And it's not that I don't want to work this out--it can be pretty unpleasant, to put it mildly.
That last bit was omitted in my mother's version, in part because I hadn't really connected it. It does seem to fit to some extent, though. I haven't gotten a reply from her yet; she said she'd sleep on it. But she was encouraging that at least I recognise this as a potential problem, with time to reverse it if I want to. That was semi-comforting, at least.
That bit of pleasantness didn't last long. Right on the heels of that topic, and apparently prompted by it (and perhaps by my having shown her the CCDE ticket I received in the mail earlier), she asked, "So, what do you think of [guy-who's-currently-too-far-away]?". I think I have mentioned him once, but the woman has become scarily good at reading me with 28 years' experience. Even still being a bit shaky from the job discussion doesn't quite excuse my blinking and replying, "What do you mean?"; I cannot believe I ever thought I'd get off that easily.
Since I've been feeling better, and particularly recently, my mother has seemed particularly aware of the fact that I'm on the far side of 25. While this is good, in that she understands the urge to be on my own a bit, she does seem to assume that everyone's urges also include settling down. She may not push, but the way she has been what seems overly aware and mentioning this sort of thing has been making me uncomfortable. I know she wants me to be happy and have as full a life as possible, but how about we approach it one bit at a time? The "get out on your own and find someone who's good for you" lump is a bit difficult to swallow these days, and I suspect I got a little defensive and strident last night. All this is background information, really, but ties in with what I was talking about.
At any rate, I was afraid I knew where she was going with that question, especially right on the heels of the last subject (yes, should things go more right that I'd expect, the job might complicate things), but I relented (not much choice anyway). It did turn into a more pleasant conversation than I expected, without too much steering. She did hit a little hard with the assumptions of really wanting to settle down again, and that's when I'm afraid I got a bit ratty. Ah well.
I did bring up a little later something that's been bothering me. (I can be funny about raising things like this, if they just seem too important/overwhelming and have something to do with the social anxiety--no idea why.) I've been noticing more trouble with shyness than usual, even, in dealing with him; I think this is mainly because I am quite interested and concerned about making a decent impression. The rather obvious problem is that I'm increasingly afraid that I'm working on shooting myself in the foot with this, leaving a lot of things unsaid and perhaps even coming across as overly cold.
One aggravating factor here is the apparent nature of the relationship; I'm still not too comfortable dealing with that. It seems sad to admit, but with my social anxiety, either a plain friendship or a more staightforward sexualised relationship can actually be more comfortable; with either, the expectations are reasonably clear, but when they're combined, it seems like a great deal of that goes out the window. It's difficult to know how to act/react. (I do wonder how much trouble the intersection of the two causes, for just about that reason.) And it's not that I don't want to work this out--it can be pretty unpleasant, to put it mildly.
That last bit was omitted in my mother's version, in part because I hadn't really connected it. It does seem to fit to some extent, though. I haven't gotten a reply from her yet; she said she'd sleep on it. But she was encouraging that at least I recognise this as a potential problem, with time to reverse it if I want to. That was semi-comforting, at least.
