"I drifted away from the banks of the river"

This afternoon I made my first trip out on the bike since I got back, and am feeling pretty good (definitely mentally better). I'd held out until Hell's Full-Body Muscle Spasms calmed down a little, and had the sense to massage and stretch some of the worst offenders beforehand. I also popped some of the valerian combination stuff that's substituting for a decent muscle relaxant, which probably helped. I was starting to go stir crazy, and it felt really good to get some fairly gentle exercise--cycling, unless I overdo things, is a lot easier on things than walking. Having a good/not-so-painful way to get most of a cart's worth of cheap Lidl food home was handy, too. Bussing it while achy can be just plain brutal.

The biggest problem I ran into was keeping the heavily-laden bike upright. (And by heavily laden, I mean that I started with a bag of potatoes in one pannier and a ham in the other.# That was just the beginning. *g*) It fell over a couple of times, and almost did a couple more, providing good opportunities to wrench iffy muscles. It was actually pretty funny, in a darkly absurd way. Not only was I out of practice--and, with the dyspraxia, I really did lose all muscle memory of how to ride a bicycle until I started in with this one--I was depending on (a) brute strength I just don't have ATM, and (b) a center of gravity which has shifted upward again since the last time I wrestled a tipsy bike. It still feels a bit bizarre, having moved up almost into my diaphragm. But the bike and I made it home in one piece, and I did not personally go crashing to the ground at any point. Yep, I consider that a minor victory on about any trip out, including by shank's mare. :)

It's getting dark so early that I gave in and picked up an LED headlight--for my head--on an adjustable elastic band, for added visibility (with a spare red LED thingy clipped on the back). I tried it out today. Being able to turn my head and shine it right in the eyes of inattentive drivers was maybe a little too satisfying. *chuckle* Judging by the number of people in cars who were giving me funny looks and/or laughing, it would seem to be a success on the visibility front. Then again, maybe they were laughing at the chullo I crocheted last year, which admittedly makes me look like a rather large Peruvian elf with a beach ball for a head. I don't care, it keeps the wind out of my wonky ear.

Today's exercise experiment worked out surprisingly well, and I'm pleased. Other than the right sartorius, which has been acting up for months now, a lot of other things loosened up. I even managed to pick up a bunch of detritus out of the kitchen floor after I got back home, without regretting it immediately, and also cleared out the freezer and fridge to make room. With any luck, I can manage not to overdo things (odd concept, yes) and actually get some muscle mass back. I think I'm on the mend; pretty much since I got home, I've been ravening after protein and fat (mmm, duck and orange pâté), which I'm actually taking as a good sign right now. Getting back another 30 lbs. or so of muscle mass would be great. After the holidays, I am finally going to give in and make an appointment with a sports massage clinic in Rayleigh, which was the closest one I could find that specializes in just what I need, with no Hopi ear candling or the like. :/ Some remedial myotherapy sounds luxurious about now.

Overall, I'm not doing too badly right now. Yeah, I've got grief reactions going, and am kinda depressed from lack of light too, but seem to have developed reasonable coping skills by now. The other day, I noticed that I did not have the horrible, hectoring, constant self-criticism background track going, which was rather a surprise given how prone I have been in past to falling into that. As I remarked to vatine, it's a little startling in the same way as noticing that your back has stopped hurting when you try to bend down to pick up something, and the anticipated spasm doesn't come. Not having the repetitive critical track going makes things much more manageable, by itself. The hardest part so far has been, about everyday, picking up bits of information or bad jokes that I automatically think might interest Mom the next time I talk to her on the phone, and then realizing that's not going to happen. That's pretty stabby every time. OTOH, I am glad to have had the chance to work out pretty much all the regrets and unfinished business, so that doesn't keep biting me like it did after I found out Nana had died.

I'm also glad that the time came for me to recognize and deal with some of the snakes put in my hair by dealing with Sid all these years. That has really reduced the guilt and regrets, and cleared up a lot of things that never made any sense. One of the best slightly mixed metaphors I've run across in the past couple of years keeps coming to mind, "If you think you’re seeing a vampire in the bathwater, don’t let other people try to convince you that it’s a baby!" It works in so many contexts.

Last night I fooled with xylitol and Splenda, and turned out a pretty good banana spice cake, with plenty of walnuts. I'd been meaning to try more Rachel-friendly baking, and even holidays we don't celebrate are a good excuse. :) GF was a little tricky, now I need to combine that with low sugar. Using a good bit of chickpea flour in the blend is delicious, and probably helps buffer some of the simple carbs, too. The next project: decent brownies, also with lots of nuts!

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# Have I mentioned that I really, really like my pannier bags? An amazing amount of stuff will fit in there, and the bungee on top is invaluable. Well, at least if I don't pile things up so that my butt keeps hitting them. :/