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Deluding myself?
May. 1st, 2003 12:46 amI don't usually advocate self-delusion, but it sure can be pleasant at times. I'm still not entirely certain if I've been indulging in that to a great extent, or mainly trying to accomplish something slightly difficult by myself--in my worse moods, the two can be hard to distinguish. I do know that my feelings were hurt and I'm still wanting to cry a couple of hours later, which seems excessive.
The last little bit, I've actually felt reasonably confident that I could get things in a row and make it to CCDE. I've gotten pretty good at travelling cheap, and I shouldn't have to worry about lodgings, so that's a big help. I may be very determined at times, but I'm not a reckless person; even in the state I'm in at the moment, I can't help but think that there's probably some logical basis for believing the trip is feasible, beyond "I really want to go."
So, earlier tonight, I mentioned the event in passing, and my mother ambushed me with fangs bared. "How do you think you're going to go back so soon? Do you realise how much help you had the last time?" Erm, yes, I'd considered this, but thank you for pointing it out and really helping me feel like a worm. She can be extraordinarily good at that, anyway, when she tries--though I'm not even sure she was trying to do anything other than "knock some sense into my head". Granted, she's not fully aware of my reasons for wanting to go, but I somehow doubt a discussion would make her feel one iota better about it.
I know I can be overly touchy at the best of times, but that really left me feeling like hell. To be fair, I probably didn't need much help, but it did help touch off every doubt I've had about the whole situation, so that they're doing some weird conga-line around my head now. Try to fight it with logic as I may, too, getting all weepy like this still makes me feel weak and stupid.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've said I was going, and I really don't want to reverse myself and say "So sorry, would love to visit, but I'm horribly broke"; that just sounds so wrong on multiple levels. Sure, if it comes down to it, I'll have to say, diplomatically, just about that eventually (no bad excuses, and some sort of explanation is owed), but I don't want to if it's not necessary. On the other hand, I don't want to leave people hanging if there's very little chance of my showing up. Right now, it's kind of sickening to think about, but maybe it will look better later. (Yes, I don't deal well with disappointment at first, and this one is worse than I'd expected.) In the short term, it seems best to conduct myself as if I'll be making the trip--I'm still going to try. Right now I'm getting chest pains every time I think about talking to him tomorrow, though...this is ridiculous. It's also probably time to take some of the Xanax I was given just for that sort of thing, but don't seem to remember. :)
The last little bit, I've actually felt reasonably confident that I could get things in a row and make it to CCDE. I've gotten pretty good at travelling cheap, and I shouldn't have to worry about lodgings, so that's a big help. I may be very determined at times, but I'm not a reckless person; even in the state I'm in at the moment, I can't help but think that there's probably some logical basis for believing the trip is feasible, beyond "I really want to go."
So, earlier tonight, I mentioned the event in passing, and my mother ambushed me with fangs bared. "How do you think you're going to go back so soon? Do you realise how much help you had the last time?" Erm, yes, I'd considered this, but thank you for pointing it out and really helping me feel like a worm. She can be extraordinarily good at that, anyway, when she tries--though I'm not even sure she was trying to do anything other than "knock some sense into my head". Granted, she's not fully aware of my reasons for wanting to go, but I somehow doubt a discussion would make her feel one iota better about it.
I know I can be overly touchy at the best of times, but that really left me feeling like hell. To be fair, I probably didn't need much help, but it did help touch off every doubt I've had about the whole situation, so that they're doing some weird conga-line around my head now. Try to fight it with logic as I may, too, getting all weepy like this still makes me feel weak and stupid.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've said I was going, and I really don't want to reverse myself and say "So sorry, would love to visit, but I'm horribly broke"; that just sounds so wrong on multiple levels. Sure, if it comes down to it, I'll have to say, diplomatically, just about that eventually (no bad excuses, and some sort of explanation is owed), but I don't want to if it's not necessary. On the other hand, I don't want to leave people hanging if there's very little chance of my showing up. Right now, it's kind of sickening to think about, but maybe it will look better later. (Yes, I don't deal well with disappointment at first, and this one is worse than I'd expected.) In the short term, it seems best to conduct myself as if I'll be making the trip--I'm still going to try. Right now I'm getting chest pains every time I think about talking to him tomorrow, though...this is ridiculous. It's also probably time to take some of the Xanax I was given just for that sort of thing, but don't seem to remember. :)
