Aug. 30th, 2004

urocyon: Grey fox crossing a stream (Default)
Alas, twinges from my recently-acting-up knee (and general tiredness) conspired to keep me away from the Viking show at Great Bowden this afternoon. [ profile] vatine went ahead--with some prodding--bearing a care package of pizzasallad (very like an oil and vinegar dressed cole slaw, and yummy indeed), salty dill-pickled cucumber slices, and a decidedly non-Swedish jar of elderberry jam I put up last week. I hope Orjan et al enjoy them.

I probably needed some downtime, anyway, though I feel a bit bad repeatedly staying home rather than going out and doing things when Ingvar is off work. Stress from the impending wedding is really getting to me by now. Beyond the common and anticipated jitters, I'm having an increasingly difficult time balancing the fact that I really do not want to get married--never have--with my strong desire to be with Ingvar. Any philosophical objections to legal marriage, which I believe I have voiced here in past, are merely the icing. I didn't realise fully until the wedding began to draw so close, and things felt past the point of no return (without a hell of a lot of explanation owed to too many people, at any rate) precisely how much my reluctance is being driven by past experience. Ah, that emotional baggage isn't so easily unloaded on short order.

I have explained my conundrum to him--if not all the specific causes, which sound ludicrous even to me--and he has been remarkably understanding. Yay for supportive people who seem not to think I'm a huge nut. ;)

At any rate, the stress level has been awful lately--occasionally bursting into tears on the train for no apparent reason awful--so I've mainly been trying to distract myself without too much time on here.

Any suggestions for dealing with even the usual sort of jitters would be greatly appreciated, BTW.

Another load heaped onto the stress is that it looks very much like none of my family or friends from the US will be able to make it. I already knew, and mentioned here IIRC, that my uncle Tim and his family found after checking the calendar that they had a long-standing previous engagement, and were near heartbroken that they wouldn't be able to come. Sidney's (my stepfather's) sister and her husband can't make it after all, due to a last minute work problem. My Mamaw's health is actually rather good, and her GP suggested that the trip would be great for her; however, she is generally fearful enough that she has become convinced that she will die if she flies over. This was not a huge surprise, unfortunately. (My mom had a point; she might well make good on that, should anyone pressure her into coming!)

Those I can live with. I may not be happy about it, but I can live with it. The last bit of news made me horribly upset and half-tempted to call off the wedding, though: my parents may or may not be able to come. Their financial shape has been iffy recently anyway, and with added medical expenses, there's no way they can afford the airfare right now. Granted, perhaps this should have been an anticipated expense on our part, but with all the other wedding-related things, it completely slipped my mind. If we could conceivable do it, we would book tickets, but we wouldn't be eating for at least a month if we did.

My last-ditch, desperate plan was calling Tim and seeing if he would help. I hated to do it--I hate asking people for anything--but it was the only thing I could see to do. And it is, after all, a culturally reasonable sort of request; he's my mother's brother, and if he would be one of the first logical choices to call to bail me out of jail and the like, surely this request isn't going too far. He seemed receptive, just had to talk things over with Debbie (his wife)--and, as it turns out, (against requests) with my mother to make sure she's in a shape to travel. He also told me that there was no need to get all upset, and tried to calm me down over the phone. :)

I don't know how that will go, but I'm hopeful.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, any suggestions for getting through the worry and stress?

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